


Better

by smudgedcat



Category: The Illuminae Files - Amie Kaufman & Jay Kristoff
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Off-screen Character Death, Panic Attacks, my boy erik deserved better, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25424131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smudgedcat/pseuds/smudgedcat
Summary: When Nik was shaken awake that night, he knew he would do anything to protect his brother. But with the cops closing in and blood on Erik's hands, where could Erik go?This story started out as idle curiosity- what were the three years Nik spent in prison like for Erik, and how did he avoid being questioned by the NPPD? If he'd left New Petersburg to live with Ella on Heimdall, would he have run into Hanna Donnelly? How would this change Nik and Hanna's first meeting?
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	Better

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic in this fandom, so any suggestions are welcome!

When Nik was shaken awake that awful night, he knew almost immediately what had to be done. What _he_ had to do. 

Erik was shaking, his hands stained red, his face whiter than paper.

"She looked at me," he repeated, mumbling, his voice trembling, hands shaking to match. 

Nik could feel the tentative hope that had been building up in his chest come crashing down around him.

Their father was locked up, finally facing the consequences, and Nik and Erik should have been free. Finally _free_ to live the lives that Erik had whispered to him at night, when neither of them dared to turn on a light in case that brought their father to the door, unsteady on his feet and stinking of booze. 

Erik had always been the more hopeful of the two of them. He had dreams, _real_ dreams of going to university and becoming an author, of finding a way out of the life of violence and death they were trapped in. ' _We'll find an apartment together somewhere_ ,' he'd planned. ' _Somewhere we can have a dog, not too far from uni or work, maybe with a park close by so we can take the dog on lots of walks in the sunshine. Things will be better_.'

Nik had laid there, curled up under the too-thin covers of his too-small bed, his eyes squeezed tight shut, imagining what Erik described. He could picture it all; the apartment that Erik would _insist_ on keeping tidy, the quiet peace of an afternoon walk or morning jog with a dog by his side, the time they would waste lazing in the sun, lying in the grass of the park down the street. 

It had always felt so unrealistic. They would never get there, not _really_ , and sometimes it hurt too much to imagine it when he _knew_ deep down that he'd never get to live that life.

But he never told Erik that. Never told him to stop whispering into the darkness, furnishing their futures together with little details here and there, never told him that it was all just a pipe dream.

Then they had gone to see their father. Finally behind bars. Awaiting trial. Facing a double life sentence. Cuffs on his wrists, wearing too-big prison greys, his face drawn from long, sleepless nights. Looking smaller than Nik had ever seen him.

And in that moment, Nik could _breathe_. Like someone had been standing on his chest his whole life, and he'd never noticed until they stepped off. The future Erik had built up in his head was suddenly solid, not just a daydream to cling to. Things are gonna get better.

But then the sleeve of those prison greys had shifted. Wrist angled just so, out of view of the hovering guards. Words scrawled on skin in ink, already wearing off and smudged in places, but still readable. _22 Acacia Avenue_.

"You be men, now." 

Nik rubbed a hand over his face, tired out of his mind. The last 24 hours had been a whirlwind, and he could feel the exhaustion deep in his bones. 

When Erik had woken him, pale and shaking, Nik had known what he had to do. He was the big brother, and he had to protect Erik no matter the cost. 

_No matter the cost._

He'd helped him wash off the blood, helped him change out of the stained clothes, helped him pack his bags as quickly as he could. Raided their dad's emergency cash, jacked a couple of forged IDs from the safe he wasn't meant to know about, grabbed some non-perishable food from the kitchen.

Erik had barely moved when Nik re-entered the room, but followed without protest as Nik led the way out the door, weaving through the tight-packed backstreets of New Petersburg. 

The night was cold and dark, the wind harsh against their skin as they picked their way through shadows to the grav rail tracks, climbing through hole in the fence to get past the facial-recognition checkpoint at the ticket gate.

The ride to the space port passed quickly, but neither brother could sit still for long. Erik fidgeted in his seat as Nik paced the length of the carriage, his mind racing. His fingers had felt numb as he tapped away at his palmpad, using a backdoor in the space port's bookings system to get a last-minute ticket booked. He'd fumbled through the screens, typing and re-typing the fake ID's details in, his fingers stumbling over the screen. He'd gotten lucky- a civilian transport ship was due to depart in only a couple of hours.

The two brothers walked through the port side by side, hoods pulled up to hopefully avoid the facial recognition systems. Ticket paid for with some of the stolen cash, luggage scanned, weighed in and tagged, they sat in the boarding area, waiting.

The waiting was the worst part. Erik's breath hitched in his chest, like he was trying to keep from crying. Nik clutched his brother's hand tight, knowing that soon, too soon, he would have to let go. The silence dragged out between them, broken only by the low murmur of voices from the other passengers waiting nearby, punctuated by the occasional announcement.

_All passengers boarding the 04:30 transport to Heimdall, please proceed to the boarding gate with your tickets and boarding passes._

Nik stood slowly. Hands shaking. Took a deep breath, then pulled his brother to his feet.

"We're going to Heimdall?" Erik asked. His voice was rough, eyes bright with unshed tears.

" _You're_ going to Heimdall. Uncle Mike's out there, he'll take care of you. I'm staying here." Nik could barely speak around the lump in his throat.

"What? Wait, no, Nik, you can't be ser-"

"Erik." Nik managed to make his voice sound firm, far more sure than he felt. "Everything's gonna be okay. I'm gonna stay here for a while. I'll lay low, keep an ear to the ground. Once everything's settled, I'll come join you out there, yeah?" The lie got caught on the lump in his throat, but he forced it out, along with a tight smile. He clapped his brother's shoulder reassuringly, pulled him into a hug. Squeezed tighter than usual, trying to keep his eyes dry and breathing even.

Their embrace was cut short by another announcement, calling for straggling passengers. Nik handed over the ticket and boarding pass, along with the fake ID and bag he'd been carrying.

"I'll see you soon, little brother. Don't you worry. Things are gonna get better."

The cops had caught up with him a mere block away from the house. They'd been in the middle of setting up a perimeter around the property, clearly assuming he and Erik were inside. He didn't even bother to run.

Guns up, faces hard, they'd shouted orders for him to _stop there! Get on the ground! Get your hands in the goddamn air!_ The cop that cuffed him had been particularly rough, clearly pissed off. Nik could see the shifting curtains and quickly shut doors, and knew that word of his arrest in the wee hours of the morning would get around to the HoK soon enough. 

The walls of his cell in the police station crept closer and closer, until he felt like he was suffocating. _Erik's safe_ , he reminded himself. _He's free. Things will be better for him._ He repeated the words in his head like a mantra, not daring to speak them aloud in case the guard was listening in. He repeated them to himself as he tugged at the collar of the grey shirt he'd been given. He repeated them to himself as he sat in that interrogation room, chest so tight he could barely get any words out, eyes burning as the cop questioning him shouted in fury, shoving a picture of the innocent twelve-year-old girl whose body was still cooling into his face.

 _Erik's safe_ . _He's free. Things will be better for him._

Nik lay on the structure of metal that passed for a bed and stared at the cracks in the ceiling. He knew what the future held for him. He'd known it from the moment Erik shook him awake. Erik wasn't a murderer. Not really. He was just a kid. A kid caught up in a shitty life, with a shitty dad to match. The younger son, never strong enough, never quite as good as his older brother. Never given a chance to prove himself to the man he hated but still looked up to.

Nik's decision to take the fall had been made before he'd even heard the full story of what happened. When Erik had told him, through tears and shaky breaths, that he'd killed Balashov, that he'd emptied his clip into the man's daughter, an innocent girl whose only crime was getting out of bed to get a drink in the middle of the night, Nik had known. Known there wasn't going to be any way out of this. Known that if Erik got pulled into questioning, he'd spill it all. Known that he'd get the time. Known the time would kill him.

Known he couldn't let that happen to his little brother.

So Nik sat in that cell for what felt like decades, awaiting trial. Sat in silence before a judge, shackles heavy around his wrists as the gavel sounded, echoing through his chest. Sat in silence in the armoured transport vehicle, in the prison's juvie facility processing room, in the cell he'd been assigned to. 

Sat in silence as one of the facility's HoK members put needles and ink to his skin, teeth clenched, hands in fists, refusing to cry out as the prettiest of ink for the ugliest of crimes was branded onto his throat.

Sat in silence in his cell as tears finally came, snaking down the sides on his face into his hair as he stared at the ceiling, his skin on fire from the still-fresh tattoos.

Sat in silence as he listened to another inmate share the news that Nik's father had walked free, the key witness to his crime now dead and unable to testify.

Sat in silence as the days passed, each one longer than the last, repeating his mantra to himself over and over and over.

 _Erik's safe_ . _He's free. Things will be better for him._

* * *

Hanna had only been on Heimdall for a month when she met Erik. She'd been trying to find a quiet place to study in the Learning Centre, reminded by her father that even though she had to do her schoolwork via correspondence now, her grades had no reason to be slipping.

She'd swung open the door to one of the designated study spaces, hoping to find it empty, only to find a boy crying. She'd recognised the way he gasped as he breathed, shoulders trembling, and moved on instinct. Shutting the door and moving quietly, keeping her voice low and soothing, rubbing gentle circles on his back and offering him a drink from her water bottle as he slowly calmed down. Going through the motions she'd done what felt like a million times before when helping one of her friends back home through her panic attacks.

The boy had eventually settled enough to look at her, an embarrassed flush flooding his cheeks, watching her with dark, uncertain eyes. He was younger than her, maybe a year or two, all messy dark hair and dimples that appeared when she joked with him gently, trying to put him at ease. She didn't press for details about what had triggered the panic attack, and he hadn't offered any, but he'd stayed to talk with her for a while, waiting in the study room when she left for a moment to hunt down a vending machine, returning with enough chocolate to share. 

They spoke about easy topics, like how terrible the food was out here, how weird it was to adjust to the changes in gravity within the station, how different it was living on a space station compared to living planet-side. Eventually he'd left, thanking her quietly, telling her his uncle was expecting him. She'd waved goodbye good naturedly, wishing him a good weekend with a gentle smile. Life could be tough, she knew, adjusting to living somewhere new, and she hoped he would feel better soon.

Over the next few weeks, they ran into each other a few times, each time with more familiarity in their voices as they greeted each other. Erik joined her a couple of times to study, bringing the chocolate-smothered sweets they both loved so dearly. It was an easy sort of acquaintance, mostly circumstantial, but if pressed Hanna would admit to having a bit of a soft spot for the kid. He was so lost, she could tell, clearly missing someone, and she knew he wasn't really happy living here. So she tried to bring a smile to his face when they ran into each other, hoping to lighten the weight he carried on his shoulders. 

She knew that _something_ had happened to him, something he regretted, that had hurt him, but she never asked for details. She remembered the names he'd muttered to himself during that panic attack though, and she would sometimes wonder who they were. _Nik. Oksana_. 

Over the next couple of months, they saw each other less and less as Hanna was swept up in schoolwork and making new friends, particularly as she began to spend more and more time with one Jackson Merrick. Hanna and Erik would bump into each other occasionally, exchange a smile and a brief greeting, maybe chat for a short while, but never for long. He looked like he was doing better, she thought the last time she saw him. He stood a little taller, his shoulders set. More determined. He'd sought her out that time, to say goodbye. He told her he would be going back home for the holiday season, that she might not see him around for a while. She'd not thought anything of it, really, just smiled and wished him a happy holiday. Glad to see him feeling better.

She never saw him again.

Nearly five months later, she was sitting in a lounge area in the Entertainment Complex with a couple of friends, chatting excitedly about an upcoming party someone was planning. She'd looked around the bar, hoping to catch sight of Jackson Merrick, when her gaze had faltered. There, across the room, facing away from her, sat a familiar silhouette. She'd crossed the room without thinking, a smile already spreading across her face.

"Erik! Where have you _been_ , I haven't seen you in mon-" her voice had trailed off as the figure turned, and she realised her mistake. This wasn't Erik, she realised. She should've known really- this guy was a little too tall, too broad in the shoulders to be Erik. As she looked him over, she noticed the tattoos that should've tipped her off. A fan of knives wrapping around his arm, and an angel spread across his throat.

* * *

Nik sat at the bar in Heimdall's Entertainment Complex, wishing he could be anywhere else. Knowing that his brother had lived here for nearly three years, had walked these halls, had eaten in the mess halls and hung out in the EC, had slept in the same room that was now Nik's… it was almost too much to bear. It was his first full day here, and he was ready to leave. Who knew where he could possibly go, but he didn't think he could stand this goddamn station much longer. 

The only good thing was that the place had alcohol, and all you needed was an ID that said you were over 18. Nik was already a couple of drinks into the evening when someone called the name that had been on his mind all evening.

"Erik! Where have you _been_ , I haven't seen you in mon-" Nik had turned automatically on his stool, coming face to face with a pretty face and a prettier smile, only to watch it fade as the girl took him in. He couldn't help but stare back at her as she looked him over, likely cataloguing all the differences between him and his little brother. 

She was a sight to behold. Blonde hair in a casual braid, blue eyes bright, curves wrapped up in a stylish jumpsuit. Her pretty face had shifted to a slight frown, disappointed and curious in equal parts.

"I, um… I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else," she said slowly.

And because he was a couple of drinks in and hurting more than he had ever thought possible, he tried to cover his pain with a roguish smile, showing off the dimples that he knew could make a girl swoon.

"No worries, Princess. I can be anyone you want me to be," he murmured, shifting closer, into her space. The frown on her face had deepened, unimpressed.

"No thanks. I mistook you for a friend, that's all." She'd turned to leave, but Nik, a little drunk and wanting to figure out who this girl was that seemed to have known Erik, moved to stop her, grabbing her arm without thought.

"Wait, I just-"

But before he could finish the sentence, she had grabbed his arm and flipped him, twisting his arm in a way that sent shockwaves of pain shooting up it.

Shocked, he'd not said anything further, lying there as she straightened, sending him one last unimpressed look before turning and walking back to her friends. 

Eventually he'd climbed to his feet, wincing as he thoughtlessly put his weight on his injured arm, pulling his palmpad from a pocket, pinging Ella for directions to the Med Centre.

As he left, he glanced back at the girl now laughing with her friends, her eyes alight. Maybe he could stand to stay on Heimdall for a little longer.

* * *

A month or so passed, fairly uneventfully. He picked up where Erik had left off, dealing dust to a number of the younger locals, helping out Uncle Mike, getting to know the HoK members out here. He spent most of his free time with Ella, Mike's daughter, getting used to her sharp tongue and non-stop chatter. She'd been close with Erik, and the two of them had bonded quickly in his absence. She'd built a whisperNET interface into his palmpad for him, so that he could use the system before he was due to get the implant needed to use it properly.

He learned from a gleeful Ella, trawling through security footage, that the girl who had _sprained_ \- not _broken_ , Ella- his arm was Hanna Donnelly, daughter of Heimdall's Commander Charles Donnelly. He saw her around sometimes, and would occasionally catch the hopeful look on her face before she realised who he was. He wanted to know how she'd met Erik, how close they'd been, but every time he'd tried to speak with her she'd ignored him, walking off before he could get the right words out. He'd asked Ella about it, but she didn't know anything about Erik being friendly with Hanna Donnelly. 

He'd mostly given up on ever figuring out the truth, until one evening, when a familiar name popped up on his whisperNET. 

_Donnelly, H: Hi, is this Nik?_

_Donnelly, H: Claire Houston said I should contact you about the party favours for Saturday._

**Guest392: Well hello there, Princess**

**Guest392: Miss me already?**

_Donnelly, H: I'm sorry, do we know each other? This is Nik Malikov, right?_

**Guest392: You wound me, Highness. Again.**

**Guest392: Have you forgotten me already?**

_Donnelly, H: You're going to have to be more specific._

**Guest392: Wound a lot of people, do you?**

**Guest392: And here I was, thinking I was special.**

**Guest392: Entertainment Complex, about a month ago?**

**Guest392: You mistook me for my younger, less handsome brother?**

**Guest392: Ringing any bells, Princess?**

_Donnelly, H: Oh, so Erik's your brother. I did wonder how you two are related._

_Donnelly, H: Is he coming back to Heimdall any time soon?_

_Donnelly, H: I haven't seen him in ages. He told me he was just heading home for the holidays._

**Guest392: …**

**Guest392: You really don't know?**

_Donnelly, H: Know what?_

_Donnelly, H: I swear to god, if you're just messing with me I'll break your other arm._

**Guest392: I'm not messing with you.**

**Guest392: Erik, he…**

**Guest392: He's dead. Has been for near six months now.**

_Donnelly, H: You can't be serious. No way._

**Guest392: This isn't something I'd be joking about, Highness.**

_Donnelly, H: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it like that._

_Donnelly, H: It's just a shock. I can't really believe it._

_Donnelly, H: He seemed so much better when I saw him last. I can't believe he's gone._

**Guest392: Better?**

_Donnelly, H: When he said goodbye to me he seemed… more determined. Like he'd made up his mind about something._

_Donnelly, H: He'd always seemed so lost, so unsure of himself. Like he didn't know where he was going._

_Donnelly, H: But when he said goodbye, he was so much more sure. I don't know what changed, but I was glad for him. Happy he was feeling better._

_Donnelly, H: Nik, are you there? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sure this isn't easy for you._

**Guest392: I'm here, Princess. No apologies needed.**

**Guest392: Though you have piqued my interest.**

**Guest392: How did you two know each other?**

_Donnelly, H: I, uh… I found him. About a month after I moved here. I was just looking for somewhere to study._

_Donnelly, H: He was crying. He kept saying your name, and someone else's._

_Donnelly, H: Oksana, maybe? I'm not sure, I couldn't really tell what he was saying._

_Donnelly, H: One of my friends used to get panic attacks all the time, so I helped him, more out of instinct than anything. Helped him calm down, tried to distract him after, that sort of thing._

_Donnelly, H: We weren't close, really, but we'd bump into each other fairly often._

_Donnelly, H: When I saw him, I'd try to make him smile, get him to laugh. Just little things like that. He was just a kid, you know?_

_Donnelly, H: He always seemed like he was carrying this weight with him. Too heavy for someone that young. I just wanted to help out a bit._

_Donnelly, H: He… he would just light up when he smiled, you know? Even for the littlest things._

_Donnelly, H: I'm sorry. I guess I'm just… processing._

_Donnelly, H: Nik?_

**Guest392: I'm here.**

**Guest392: Thank you, Hanna. For looking out for him.**

_Donnelly, H: No need to thank me, Nik. I didn't do anything special._

**Guest392: Still. Thank you.**

**Guest392: Now, back to your original question.**

**Guest392: Houston ordered 10 grams, I believe.**

**Guest392: Just name the time you want to pick up, I can do any time after 1300 on Friday.**

_Donnelly, H: Woah, topic change much?_

_Donnelly, H: I still have questions, you know._

_Donnelly, H: Like, what happened? How have I only just heard about this?_

**Guest392: Forgive me if I don't want to share the details of my own brother's death, Princess. Not exactly something I want to be re-living, you know?**

**Guest392: So can we get back to business, please? Or are you going to find someone else who's willing to deal dust to the daughter of the fucking station commander?**

_Donnelly, H: Sorry._

_Donnelly, H: Um, how about 1730 Friday?_

**Guest392: Done. Houston will be able to tell you where to meet me. Best to keep the details off whisperNET, yeah?**

_Donnelly, H: Okay, I'll see you then._

_Donnelly, H: And Nik?_

**Guest392: Yes, Princess?**

_Donnelly, H: I'm really sorry. About Erik. He deserved better._

* * *

When Nik didn't answer any of her pings, Ella sighed, annoyed. She pushed away from her computer setup, using the controls on her chair to cross the room and head down the hall, shoving Nik's door open with a little more force than necessary.

"I swear, cuz, if I have to ping you one mo-" She stopped dead. 

On the floor, curled up around himself, was Nik. His whole frame shook as he cried, one hand clutching his throat, nails scratching at the angel on his skin.

On the floor in front of him was his palmpad. The last message still lit up the screen.

_I'm really sorry. About Erik. He deserved better._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Any and all feedback is welcome- feel free to share your thoughts xx


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